Managing summer expectations

I was at my dad’s house about 5 days before my darling daughter (DD) was set to move back home for the summer. He made mention that it would be a tough summer because my DD was now used to being on her own and that she would test my patience and she would make decisions that I didn’t like or agree with. I told him that I planned to parent her completely different than he did with me.

You see, I remember with almost perfect clarity what it felt like to be at home from college during the summers with my parents. My dad still had me under the same curfew I had in high school – 11pm. I remember saying to him that “at college, that’s when we’d head out, not head home” and he let me know that I still lived under his roof and his rules. The rule was to be home by 11pm when Dad would “lock the door for the night”. I felt so stunted, stranded, and stuck. I am from Map Dot, USA so there wasn’t much to do in my small town which meant that I had to leave whatever I was doing no later than 10:30pm to even be able to be home by 11pm. I remember feeling like I was being treated like a child when I had successfully maneuvered life independently and away from home for the past 9 months. I remember thinking how unfair it was and that if I had kids, I would treat them differently.

Well, now was my chance. I told him I was going to treat her like the adult she is. She had done so well in her first year in college (see this and this for more about that). He pushed back and asked, “what are you going to do if she does something you don’t agree with?”. I said, “I’m sure that’s already happened”…knowing the things that I had done in college that my folks didn’t know about. And then I told him something that I’m not sure he was able to fully understand. I told him that “without knowledge, I can’t have influence”. If I judge my daughter for any mistakes I feel she is making, she will stop confiding in me and I’ll no longer have the position in her life to gently guide and influence her. Let’s use a real-life example. I drank in college before I was 21yo (the legal age in the USA for my international reader friends). I could choose to be so hard on my daughter by reminding her that drinking before she’s 21 is illegal, that she could end up in big trouble with the law, and I’d be so very mad at her for making such a poor decision (which would likely alienate her and make her feel like she couldn’t tell me if she has, but it would also be completely hypocritical). Or I can let her know that I love her more than any human on the planet, that I want her to always be safe, advise her that the people she goes to parties with are the same people she leaves the party with, that alcohol clouds our judgment, and although I want her to have fun, I also want what’s best for her. I also told my DD when she went away to college the same thing my own mom told me when I was about her age. FYI – my mom was a wild city girl in her youth so I felt like she “got me” more than my country-boy, super-wholesome dad. She told me and I told my DD:

“If you ever find yourself in a situation that you aren’t sure how to get out of, call me, no matter what time day or night and I’ll come to get you…no questions asked”.

I remember feeling so good, so protected, liberated, allowed to try new things and maybe make a few mistakes as I grew up and into myself. I can tell you that I never had to make that call, but knowing I could meant the world to me. And because my mom told me that, she was privy to a lot of the things I experienced that I didn’t tell my dad because of fear of his judgment, disappointment, and any unknown consequences he might want to put upon me. So, I decided to parent my DD as my mom would have…with loving guidance…a safe place where my darling daughter could/can talk about things, feelings, and experiences.

So, how did I prepare for us to live together this summer? A few days before she was set to move her stuff out of the residence hall and back home, we had lunch together and talked. I told her I had been thinking about how it’d be when she moved back. She was used to living without us and frankly, we had also gotten used to living without her. I let her know that I wasn’t going to give her any “chores” or set duties she would be solely responsible for because hubby and I already had a routine and division of labor, but that I might ask her for help now and again. I also told her that I wasn’t going to ask her where she’s been or where she’s going, who she is hanging out with, etc, but I just wanted to know if she was going to leave, if/when to expect her back…just keep me in the loop. Oh, I did ask her one thing…”if you leave the house, please say goodbye to us” so we know she’s leaving and not just going to do laundry and then realize she’s left…that can feel disconcerting. That was it. I meant it and she seemed surprised to hear it.

So how has it been? Well, she’s been home now for just shy of 2 months and I have been true to my word (per usual – it’s in my character). Yesterday morning, I was making my bed and she came into my room. She said, “I just want you to know that I appreciate all you and Chris (her step-dad) have done for me this summer and allowing me to ‘do me’. It’s been really nice and I don’t think we’ve ever gotten along so well”. I can’t even tell you how my mom-heart burst at hearing such sincere appreciation and validation, but I calmly smiled and replied, “you’ve earned it. You took good care of yourself for 9 months while you were away at college and I knew you could do the same here at home. You’re an adult.”. Then she thanked me again and hugged me. #momwin #allthefeelings

What’s it been like having her home? Amazing! I completely adore her and by respecting her enough to be the adult she is…we have never been closer. I gave her space, made myself available, and she’s sought me out. She talks to me most days both before she goes to work and after she gets home. She freely tells me about who she hung out with and what they did because I’m not hounding her for information. By giving her space, she’s opened up to me about so many things that she has done, thought, and experienced as she’s stepped into her independence. It’s amazing, scary, humbling, unnerving, wonderful, and surreal to know so much about her when I gave her complete freedom to not share with me. I listen with what I hope is a loving heart and sometimes she asks my advice and more often than not, I just ask her questions that she may not have thought of so that she can see a different perspective…not really my own opinion on the matter. She’s her own person and although we are very similar, she isn’t going to choose all the same things I did and I’m glad for that. I love being privy as she makes her own way and matures into the amazing woman I raised her (and God blessed her) to be.

I realize this may not work for every child, but you know your child and you know what could work for your family. Trust yourself. It’s going to be scary and wonderful and I’m here if you need any support along the way!

We’re in this together. 

-LouAnna